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Mortality

I spent most of today trying not to think of my friend’s early departure from this world. To be completely honest, I failed miserably in this endeavour. No matter what I did, somehow my mind wandered back this horrible event. I am upset. I am angry. I am angry that someone so young, someone with such potential was stolen from those who loved and cared about him. I know I shouldn’t be angry. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, but I don’t see what possible purpose this death could serve. I can’t imagine what his family must be going through right now. If I feel this terribly, how must they feel?

Because of this, I have been thinking about my own mortality. I remember when I was little I used to wish I would die so I could see who would come to my funeral. Now I see how foolish I was in wanting this. Ugh, I can’t believe this even crossed my mind. I see how selfish I was, in something like that could only serve my own lacking self-esteem. Never would I want to wish this upon anyone.

The fact that he was only a year or so older than me really makes me think. If this could happen to someone like him, someone who lived a healthy life then this can happen to anyone. I’ve been examining my own lifestyle and I can’t help thinking, geez, this could happen to me at any time, without warning. It scares me. No, it terrifies me. I could step out my door and just drop dead. Ugh, I wish I could just turn off my mind.

I knew that at some point in my life I would have to deal with death. After all, no one lives forever. But never in a million years did I imagine that I would encounter death at this point in my life. My friend had so much more to experience. There is an enormous amount of events that he should have had the opporunity to witness and participate in. I do anything right now if it meant allowing him to be here even if for a few moments.

All I want to do is say goodbye.

Death

My friend went into cardiac arrest early this morning after suffering from what he believed to be an asthma attack. He was only 23 years old. Not much older than me. It is a sad day when we lose such a wonderful soul as he was. He was caring, loving, kind, and most of all, my friend.

I met him four years ago, when he moved from Boston to Pittsburgh to be with the one he loved. He left his home with no future plans all for love. It was truly something out of a storybook. He stayed with me and my roommate in our little dorm room while he looked for a place to live. We shared such wonderful memories and I know that I will treasure them for my entire life. He was a beacon of light in this dark existence. He touched so many people’s lives that I know he will be missed and loved forever. I will do all in my power to ensure that he will never be forgotten.

I apologize if this doesn’t sound very coherent or understandable. The shock of the news is slowly wearing off, but I am still having problems concentrating on anything. It is as if all I see is a picture of his face in my mind and it saddens me. I start to think of my own mortality and it just adds to the solemness. But this is not about me. This is about my friend.

He left behind so much. They say that you really don’t know what you have until it’s gone. I wish it weren’t true, but it is. I miss my friend. Even though I haven’t seen him in months, I can still see him laughing and enjoying life to it’s fullest. I remember the goofy/geeky things we used to do. I remember the times my friends and I would eat his food and how he’d have to hide it from us. I remember that really excellent cereal and the cans of Surge. Like I said earlier, I will never forget.

Funeral services have not been made yet, but there will probably be a service in Pittsburgh for his friends. You can count on my presence.

Tomorrow, tomorrow…

The sun is shining brightly outside my window. I see blue skies and white fluffy clouds. I am smell the remnants of the early morning rain and I can feel the warm of the rays of light on my skin as I walk through the campus. A nice gentle breeze ruffles the leaves of the evergreens and the temperature is perfect, hovering right around 60 degrees. It’s hard to believe that it was miserable less than 24 hours ago.

I did a lot of thinking last night. Mostly about the move. I don’t think that I’m going to move. Financially, it’s a wonderful deal. Though emotionally, I don’t know if I want to go through the hassle of another move.

It’s not the act of living there that’s troubling me. It’s the effort that I will have to put in order to accomplish a move. First and foremost, I would have to move the contents of my apartment to the new place. I hate packing. Plus, I’ve accumulated so much more stuff since I’ve been out here, I’d have to go to the trouble of renting a van or a truck to move. Plus, I would have to have all my addresses changed, cancel all my utilities and give out new phone numbers and forwarding addresses to everyone I know. Plus, like I said yesterday, I like my surroundings.

I will definitely have to give this some more thought.

The Color of Dispair

I usually get this way whenever I go through long periods without sunlight. I should really find a place which sells those full-spectrum light bulbs and buy a lamp for my office. Even though my office is blessed with three large windows, lately the weather has been kind of blah. Sure, the temperature is nice. But it’s been cloudy and gloomy lately. This added to later sunrises and earlier sunsets is a recipe for just…blahness.

I’m also thinking of moving, which is sort of weighing down on me. Granted, it’s not really a big move. A friend of mine from work is renting a house from another person. The house has three bedrooms and he recently found out that one of his housemates is moving out in January and he offered the room to me. Barring any real objection from our other friend (he has some concerns about my cats), it looks like the room is mine if I want it.

Well, I really would be crazy to pass up an opportunity like that. Not only is it much closer to where I work, but it’s also a good deal cheaper too. If you include the fact that water, gas and electric are being paid by the owner of the house then economically it’s really a steal. Plus, grocery duties would be shared among the three of us and my friends are pretty clean people and generally great to get along with.

So why am I spending so much time thinking about this? That’s a pretty good question.

I guess I’m just someone who doesn’t really agree with change. I’ve gotten so used to living at my current place that it seems hard for me to leave it. I’ve gotten to know some of the people there, plus I’ve become used to knowing where all the stores are. Familiarity is something that I treasure and I don’t know if I want to give that up. I like having Trader Joe’s and Barnes and Noble right down the street. I like having the grocery store and drug store less than a mile from my place. But most of all, I like being able to do what I want whenever I want.

I think that’s what I’m dreading the most. If I do move, I’ll no longer have my own things. I’ll have to share my food in the fridge and freezer. I’ll have to share a bathroom (probably) with someone else. I won’t be able to watch whatever I want on television nor will I be able to just be me. Yes, I understand that I’ll have my own room where I can hide. But still…

I’ll have to give more thought to this tomorrow.