Thoughts
To say that I am a little introspective is like saying that Everest is just a little rock. I think a lot. Sometimes this constant barrage of thoughts is a good thing, allowing me to see things that I normally would never see. But most of the times, it leads to nothing but worry, anxiety and sadness. This last week is no exception.I never realized how mundane my life has become. Any semblence of excitement has left my life, or maybe more appropriately, I have left that excitement back east. I find myself spending more and more nights at home, alone and feeling slighty dejected. Gone are the neverending nights, finding myself in one place, only to be at another, and another and another sometimes waking up in yet another place. What happened?
Honestly, I’m really not sure. The desire is there, but the means to carry out this desire to fruition seems to be gone. I miss the fast pace life I lived back at school. Living in the dorms meant that there was always someone around. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean to say that I always have to be doing something exciting. I was perfectly happy spending time at home, watching a movie or just chilling, as long as it meant that there was someone else there. I hate spending time alone, but I’ve learned to accept the fact that this was just a fact of life. But enough is enough.
It’s not as if I haven’t made a network of friends since I’ve been out here. That’s definitely not the case. I’ve made some good friends, but I don’t think I’ve made a good fit since I’ve been here. I had been content with a group of friends I had made through my former workplace. However, I don’t think I really belong with them. Three of them had known each other through school and the fourth knew the other three since most of them started together at the same time. Two of them are married and the other two live with each other in a house. This usually means that when they just feel like getting together I normally get left out. THis does bother me, and I haven’t made this known to them, which I probably should. I have problems reaching them sometimes which leaves me essentially helpless.
I also have a bunch of people out here who I knew from school. But one girl who I used to hang out with has made things weird with me so I sort of broke off contact with her. Dumb? Yeah, probably. But she’s very much a party girl, which sometimes I could do without. And two of my friends from school are very much into activities with their respective churches, so that usually leaves their weekends busy.
So where does this leave me? I really don’t know. I know that it’s left me tonight alone, with only the company of my two cats. Monday I have tentative plans with one of my friends, but that leaves the rest of the weekend pretty much open. Hopefully things will pick up soon or I’m going to go crazy.
You don’t want to see me crazy.
